Confucius left the light burning

From a restaurant review...

Though the lighting from outside seemed very convenient and attractive,I had a "bizarre premonition"(1) with this name which kept the reluctance switch on (2) to move into the place.

1. Unnecessary quotes for premonitions.
2. 'reluctance switch on to move into the place' - why switch on? A simple 'made me reluctant to enter' would be fine. 'Move into the place' is to mean 'to permanently live' in the place, not just enter a place.

But well, it was my boyfriend’s birthday, I wanted to take him to a very authentic place. He is very passionate about these historical places and heroic stories.. Uh gawd.. I hate the chronologies(3) though :-(

3. 'hate the chronologies' ? - she means historical dates. Unnecessary big word, wrongly used. Chronology is not a synonym for history, they don't mean the same thing).

Cut cut cut!!!! But when I entered there after a long day’s work with lots of expectations, trust me I was disappointed to the measure of exponents (4) :-(

4. 'measure of exponents' is a convoluted way of saying simply 'I was exponentially disappointed'. Also, exponents are not a measure like liter, or mile, but signify order of magnitude.

The seating arrangement there is kinda clumsy and you feel like you are in a moving train filled with people. If you have journey sickness in train, avoid this place. Besides, though the train is very well-made and has an amazing historic look to it, the, especially the service part. It was like, the waiters there had a fervor there was not very welcoming (5), especially the service part. It was like, the waiters there had a quizzical (6) look of :eh, when will you leave?" look. I also felt like , the train was very very very crowded. You cant even stretch your legs and relax with ease.

5. Fervor was not welcoming ? I suppose she wants to say energy, or ambience. Fervor means 'great warmth, earnestness of feeling'. Try substituting now :-) "the great warmth was not welcoming"- a contradiction of meaning, if anything.

But the food was quite good. No comments on that. Not really true that, it was exotically tantalizing that I just became a glutton from a gourmet :-/ It was just about average.
Well, people please go there on a weekday, when you can see less passengers in the train to enjoy it . Please don’t go when you are exhausted, not really a place with tranquil (6).

6. Tranquil is an adjective. Either 'the place is tranquil', or 'its a place with tranquility'.

Infinite Monkey Theorem

For some reason, I remembered the infinite monkey theorem today.

An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite amount of time and typewriters will eventually produce the collected works of Shakespeare.

This statement usually attributed to scientist Thomas Huxley, who supported the Darwinist theory of evolution. I always wonder why he named Shakespeare's, and not his own books, in this cause. Was he afraid his publishers would take him at his word, and give his next book advance to monkeys? We'll never know.

Researchers at Plymouth University haven't found any signs of such yet. They let loose a bunch of monkeys with a keyboard. The monkeys played around with a single letter SSSSSSSSSSS and then urinated over the keyboard. I guess if they had played with the letter B, you could assume they were getting pretty close to "To B or not to B", but as it stands, it's not Hamlet.

Not satisfied, someone is running a Monkey Shakespeare Simulator on the web. Everytime you visit the page, your PC's spare computing power is used to create some random pages, and checked against the bard's works, to see if something matches. (For a rant on how impossible this project is , you can listen to Brett Watson.) But I am skeptical for a different reason.

My feeling is, frankly, that this is a mistake. Even if they end up simu2lating Shakespeare, what good does that do to us? Nobody really needs any new Shakespearean comedies. Why not simulate the next Harry Potter book instead? JK Rowling can call it a day at the office, and go shopping instead.

Kenneth's movie reviews..

Kenneth, a spiritual person and former intern at the Pittsburgh Zoo. There, he learned not to be kind to little dumb movies..

Droll Review of The Wedding Planner. Everyone in the cast gets a nickname, to match J-Lo. From the description of the poster down to Matthew McConaughey's (M-McCo) posturing and J-Lo's unbelievable lineage and accent, every stumble gets its due poke. This review is Hi-Stu..I mean Hilarious Stuff.

This is how he starts off for X-Men...
Most teenagers just get pimples. In the world of X-Men, mutant adolescents break out in superpowers. Yet given children who can walk through walls, move things with their brain waves or change the weather by just thinking about it, stage mothers do not immediately rush them to the nearest casting agent.

"Cosmic xenophobia" is the name of the game in the underachieving movie Evolution (as well as Men in Black) - "the illegal (space) aliens are coming and will soon be eating our lunches (and possibly our heads)". Evolution is an alien movie turned upside down - full of underachieving working class stiffs battling to preserve the Earth, from energetically evolving aliens who actually seem to deserve it more. Love his quote "But we were here first", and his comparisons- "a post-NAFTA nightmare in disguise".

"Death has always been the greatest life lesson, as long as it happens to someone else." I'm sure he meant it seriously, but it also has a comic touch. George Washington sounds like one of those Southern-feel movies that combustibly mix race and small towns (a la Mississippi Burning or A Time to Kill), and the dreaminess of American Beauty.

Other deft reviews... the tricky premise of Memento, cocoa puff lightness of Chocolat, the over-ironical yet average 15 Minutes, the elemental working class portrait of The Perfect Storm, the Elvis-in-decline feel of 3000-Miles to Graceland, and the crafty boogeyman of Hannibal

Quaidi

There was this bird, qaidi_no_786, who wrote rather objectionable reviews on a review site for fun. He's been deleted, but I saved this...

Original song
aankhon mein base ho tum,
tumhe dil mein chupa loonga,
jab chahoon tumhe dekhon,
aaina bana loonga.

Qaidis song ...brushing his teeth, to his girlfriend.
colgate mein base ho tum,
tumhe brush pe laga loonga,
jab chahoon tumhe thookoon,
naali mein baha doonga.