Confucius left the light burning

From a restaurant review...

Though the lighting from outside seemed very convenient and attractive,I had a "bizarre premonition"(1) with this name which kept the reluctance switch on (2) to move into the place.

1. Unnecessary quotes for premonitions.
2. 'reluctance switch on to move into the place' - why switch on? A simple 'made me reluctant to enter' would be fine. 'Move into the place' is to mean 'to permanently live' in the place, not just enter a place.

But well, it was my boyfriend’s birthday, I wanted to take him to a very authentic place. He is very passionate about these historical places and heroic stories.. Uh gawd.. I hate the chronologies(3) though :-(

3. 'hate the chronologies' ? - she means historical dates. Unnecessary big word, wrongly used. Chronology is not a synonym for history, they don't mean the same thing).

Cut cut cut!!!! But when I entered there after a long day’s work with lots of expectations, trust me I was disappointed to the measure of exponents (4) :-(

4. 'measure of exponents' is a convoluted way of saying simply 'I was exponentially disappointed'. Also, exponents are not a measure like liter, or mile, but signify order of magnitude.

The seating arrangement there is kinda clumsy and you feel like you are in a moving train filled with people. If you have journey sickness in train, avoid this place. Besides, though the train is very well-made and has an amazing historic look to it, the, especially the service part. It was like, the waiters there had a fervor there was not very welcoming (5), especially the service part. It was like, the waiters there had a quizzical (6) look of :eh, when will you leave?" look. I also felt like , the train was very very very crowded. You cant even stretch your legs and relax with ease.

5. Fervor was not welcoming ? I suppose she wants to say energy, or ambience. Fervor means 'great warmth, earnestness of feeling'. Try substituting now :-) "the great warmth was not welcoming"- a contradiction of meaning, if anything.

But the food was quite good. No comments on that. Not really true that, it was exotically tantalizing that I just became a glutton from a gourmet :-/ It was just about average.
Well, people please go there on a weekday, when you can see less passengers in the train to enjoy it . Please don’t go when you are exhausted, not really a place with tranquil (6).

6. Tranquil is an adjective. Either 'the place is tranquil', or 'its a place with tranquility'.

Quaidi

There was this bird, qaidi_no_786, who wrote rather objectionable reviews on a review site for fun. He's been deleted, but I saved this...

Original song
aankhon mein base ho tum,
tumhe dil mein chupa loonga,
jab chahoon tumhe dekhon,
aaina bana loonga.

Qaidis song ...brushing his teeth, to his girlfriend.
colgate mein base ho tum,
tumhe brush pe laga loonga,
jab chahoon tumhe thookoon,
naali mein baha doonga.

Promising

Rohit's writings are slightly surreal... (All quoted material in blue)

Its hard to know if he was aware of what he was creating. Mostly its his logic and not his language that leaves you short of breath.

The following from some of his reviews...

1.In his Sports Personalities review, he's arguing Sania Mirza is overrated because all she does is win. "she did nothing but won, which we all as sports lover do".
He believes "everyone must deserve and get not more not less as both are seriously harmful". This is in relation to the money they earn. Incidentally, he lists one of the cons of the review as Harmful rewards for winning.

2. His brief note on Why Eveteasing is Common starts off at "everest heights", and then goes all downhill. In fact, he is unable to complete it, and ends by asking the reader to complete his review.

3. The prizewinner is the Review on Writing Reviews "as we all know writing express what you think and .. ..that is why poets and writers have nothing more from there (their) life to keep it as a SECRET".

4. His profile is interesting in its own right -
"I have no freinds as i have been ditched many times by my promising friends.I hate being a
friend as what’s the meaning only u being good and generous and treating and believing him your friend while he does’nt even care for u. LEAVE IT"

I guess his promising friends are friends who made promises they didnt keep :-), rather than those that looked like they have good potential. His last "LEAVE IT" is a direct translation of "chod do" (Hindi).

"extra-gregatory"

(From a Mouthshut review on Bombay Hospital on the net...my comments in blue.)

"When a greater bombay was under british rule, mughal empire was on death bed...(that has to be one empire-sized bed !!!) ...so starts his review on his college, ending "my college is heart foe for medical aspirants and home to many huge personalities".

The 'foe' is a typo, obviously, but comic anyway, and the second brings a sense of large (huge?) planetary bodies orbiting the campus. Huge and big can be used interchangeably when referring to size of an object, but not for people.

His views on Imran Khan in another essay get even better.."It will b extraagregatory to say Imran Khan as cricket jewel" - he begins. 'Extraagregatory' ???? what was the word he was thinking of when he came up with this? exaggerating? derogatory?

Reading further ahead, you may blink a bit when you hear Imran had "to take a blind eye from sarfaraz nawaz". But don't worry yet about poor Imran being blinded because he continues "Imran showed all his rivals the get-out way".

Yes, Imran appears to have had a hard life, according to Asif, what with Jewish girls "coming from backdoor" and "stealing him from the jaws of his female admirers". (Jaws reference #1).

Apparently, Imran was "on the verge of popularity" (yeah, not popular, just on the verge) before his marriage, but unfortunately, didnt use it to fight elections. Still, Asif says "there is no end for Imran" (he's good looking and also immortal?! Too much.)

Bad as the writer might sound, his readers go much further. I looked at the comments for this review, and one petulant reader had written in anger "This review lacks everything except hooliganism".

His review on Mufti Mohammed, of the "terror torned state" of Kashmir, evokes interest. This is a state where the voters "dejected" the concept of dynastic rule. (Dejected - what a word. Rejected wasn't strong enough for Asif). Besides, PDP clinched a massive win "from the jaws of Abdullahs". (Jaws reference #2 - he has a thing for this creature)

He ends with a wish for Mufti. "I hope he must be knowing how to deal with this situation. May God help him." ( I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding? - as I read somewhere - why do Indians use the present continuous tense so much?)

" Blood-cuddling"

(All quoted material in blue)

Rochak He hates liars, flirts, and "hyprokrytes".

From his movie reviews...

1. A simple spelling error creates a lot of unintentional comedy. Tere Naam is a movie with a TWIST - Salman Khan falls into a "comma".
(I wonder how one falls into a comma? Maybe by tripping on an unexpected semi-colon)

He definitely likes the Comma movies. His Hollywood list of faves includes While You Were Sleeping (Sandra Bullock tending to another Comma victim).

2. More simple typo comedies. We learn that Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai is worth watching because Jimmy Shergill looks "great without that HUNKY BODY." The Body was apparently getting in the way of user appreciation.

3. He also calls Tulip (as in the flower?) Joshi the heroine "too weird and not impressive enough". The juxtaposition of the two adjectives creates new layers of meaning. Too weird, therefore not impressive? Overdone weirdness? You've got to learn where to stop with the weirdness, a little goes a long way, etc.

4. The story "about a guy and gal, "who were together like two persons in one skins". Sounds like this movie is a ripoff of Hannibal- I've heard of two souls in one body, cramped as that must be, but two persons in one skin? Whose skin? The skin of a very large person, obviously. That's where the Hannibal resemblance came in.

5. Horror seems to bring out the best in Rochak. He describes some horror films as "blood-cuddling" (my fav phrase). Some are "normal scary films with blood and slimy creatures", and others range from "hounted houses, to futuristic, to psycological". Signs - about a Father (Priest) who, after his wife's death, has to take care of "two kids, an unemployed Brother, and ALIEN ENVATION!"(invasion).
Somehow, the "Dinosores" (dinosaurs) of Jurassic Park (of which movie he simply says "not to told, but to watch") don't sound so horrible, after this.

His review on the X-Files…"gives you the matter to think for at least a week after week". (That's plenty for anybody, isnt it?)
I like his argument for believing in Aliens …"HAVE YOU SEEN GOD? NO? THEN WHY DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? I tell you why? Coz you feel such thinks not SEE!"
He signs off with this advice "If you think this is all MONKEY PEE - grow up, think harder, and use your own logic".(meaning - dont use his? Good advice!)