Kenneth, a spiritual person and former intern at the Pittsburgh Zoo. There, he learned not to be kind to little dumb movies..
Droll Review of The Wedding Planner. Everyone in the cast gets a nickname, to match J-Lo. From the description of the poster down to Matthew McConaughey's (M-McCo) posturing and J-Lo's unbelievable lineage and accent, every stumble gets its due poke. This review is Hi-Stu..I mean Hilarious Stuff.
This is how he starts off for X-Men...
Most teenagers just get pimples. In the world of X-Men, mutant adolescents break out in superpowers. Yet given children who can walk through walls, move things with their brain waves or change the weather by just thinking about it, stage mothers do not immediately rush them to the nearest casting agent.
"Cosmic xenophobia" is the name of the game in the underachieving movie Evolution (as well as Men in Black) - "the illegal (space) aliens are coming and will soon be eating our lunches (and possibly our heads)". Evolution is an alien movie turned upside down - full of underachieving working class stiffs battling to preserve the Earth, from energetically evolving aliens who actually seem to deserve it more. Love his quote "But we were here first", and his comparisons- "a post-NAFTA nightmare in disguise".
"Death has always been the greatest life lesson, as long as it happens to someone else." I'm sure he meant it seriously, but it also has a comic touch. George Washington sounds like one of those Southern-feel movies that combustibly mix race and small towns (a la Mississippi Burning or A Time to Kill), and the dreaminess of American Beauty.
Other deft reviews... the tricky premise of Memento, cocoa puff lightness of Chocolat, the over-ironical yet average 15 Minutes, the elemental working class portrait of The Perfect Storm, the Elvis-in-decline feel of 3000-Miles to Graceland, and the crafty boogeyman of Hannibal
Friday, January 20, 2006
Monday, January 9, 2006
Quaidi
There was this bird, qaidi_no_786, who wrote rather objectionable reviews on a review site for fun. He's been deleted, but I saved this...
Original song
aankhon mein base ho tum,
tumhe dil mein chupa loonga,
jab chahoon tumhe dekhon,
aaina bana loonga.
Qaidis song ...brushing his teeth, to his girlfriend.
colgate mein base ho tum,
tumhe brush pe laga loonga,
jab chahoon tumhe thookoon,
naali mein baha doonga.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Promising
Rohit's writings are slightly surreal... (All quoted material in blue)
Its hard to know if he was aware of what he was creating. Mostly its his logic and not his language that leaves you short of breath.
The following from some of his reviews...
1.In his Sports Personalities review, he's arguing Sania Mirza is overrated because all she does is win. "she did nothing but won, which we all as sports lover do".
He believes "everyone must deserve and get not more not less as both are seriously harmful". This is in relation to the money they earn. Incidentally, he lists one of the cons of the review as Harmful rewards for winning.
2. His brief note on Why Eveteasing is Common starts off at "everest heights", and then goes all downhill. In fact, he is unable to complete it, and ends by asking the reader to complete his review.
3. The prizewinner is the Review on Writing Reviews "as we all know writing express what you think and .. ..that is why poets and writers have nothing more from there (their) life to keep it as a SECRET".
4. His profile is interesting in its own right -
I guess his promising friends are friends who made promises they didnt keep :-), rather than those that looked like they have good potential. His last "LEAVE IT" is a direct translation of "chod do" (Hindi).
Monday, November 28, 2005
"extra-gregatory"
(From a Mouthshut review on Bombay Hospital on the net...my comments in blue.)
"When a greater bombay was under british rule, mughal empire was on death bed...(that has to be one empire-sized bed !!!) ...so starts his review on his college, ending "my college is heart foe for medical aspirants and home to many huge personalities".
The 'foe' is a typo, obviously, but comic anyway, and the second brings a sense of large (huge?) planetary bodies orbiting the campus. Huge and big can be used interchangeably when referring to size of an object, but not for people.
His views on Imran Khan in another essay get even better.."It will b extraagregatory to say Imran Khan as cricket jewel" - he begins. 'Extraagregatory' ???? what was the word he was thinking of when he came up with this? exaggerating? derogatory?
Reading further ahead, you may blink a bit when you hear Imran had "to take a blind eye from sarfaraz nawaz". But don't worry yet about poor Imran being blinded because he continues "Imran showed all his rivals the get-out way".
Yes, Imran appears to have had a hard life, according to Asif, what with Jewish girls "coming from backdoor" and "stealing him from the jaws of his female admirers". (Jaws reference #1).
Apparently, Imran was "on the verge of popularity" (yeah, not popular, just on the verge) before his marriage, but unfortunately, didnt use it to fight elections. Still, Asif says "there is no end for Imran" (he's good looking and also immortal?! Too much.)
Bad as the writer might sound, his readers go much further. I looked at the comments for this review, and one petulant reader had written in anger "This review lacks everything except hooliganism".
His review on Mufti Mohammed, of the "terror torned state" of Kashmir, evokes interest. This is a state where the voters "dejected" the concept of dynastic rule. (Dejected - what a word. Rejected wasn't strong enough for Asif). Besides, PDP clinched a massive win "from the jaws of Abdullahs". (Jaws reference #2 - he has a thing for this creature)
He ends with a wish for Mufti. "I hope he must be knowing how to deal with this situation. May God help him." ( I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding? - as I read somewhere - why do Indians use the present continuous tense so much?)
"When a greater bombay was under british rule, mughal empire was on death bed...(that has to be one empire-sized bed !!!) ...so starts his review on his college, ending "my college is heart foe for medical aspirants and home to many huge personalities".
The 'foe' is a typo, obviously, but comic anyway, and the second brings a sense of large (huge?) planetary bodies orbiting the campus. Huge and big can be used interchangeably when referring to size of an object, but not for people.
His views on Imran Khan in another essay get even better.."It will b extraagregatory to say Imran Khan as cricket jewel" - he begins. 'Extraagregatory' ???? what was the word he was thinking of when he came up with this? exaggerating? derogatory?
Reading further ahead, you may blink a bit when you hear Imran had "to take a blind eye from sarfaraz nawaz". But don't worry yet about poor Imran being blinded because he continues "Imran showed all his rivals the get-out way".
Yes, Imran appears to have had a hard life, according to Asif, what with Jewish girls "coming from backdoor" and "stealing him from the jaws of his female admirers". (Jaws reference #1).
Apparently, Imran was "on the verge of popularity" (yeah, not popular, just on the verge) before his marriage, but unfortunately, didnt use it to fight elections. Still, Asif says "there is no end for Imran" (he's good looking and also immortal?! Too much.)
Bad as the writer might sound, his readers go much further. I looked at the comments for this review, and one petulant reader had written in anger "This review lacks everything except hooliganism".
His review on Mufti Mohammed, of the "terror torned state" of Kashmir, evokes interest. This is a state where the voters "dejected" the concept of dynastic rule. (Dejected - what a word. Rejected wasn't strong enough for Asif). Besides, PDP clinched a massive win "from the jaws of Abdullahs". (Jaws reference #2 - he has a thing for this creature)
He ends with a wish for Mufti. "I hope he must be knowing how to deal with this situation. May God help him." ( I am not knowing if you are doing the understanding? - as I read somewhere - why do Indians use the present continuous tense so much?)
Friday, November 25, 2005
" Blood-cuddling"
(All quoted material in blue)
Rochak He hates liars, flirts, and "hyprokrytes".
From his movie reviews...
1. A simple spelling error creates a lot of unintentional comedy. Tere Naam is a movie with a TWIST - Salman Khan falls into a "comma".
(I wonder how one falls into a comma? Maybe by tripping on an unexpected semi-colon)
He definitely likes the Comma movies. His Hollywood list of faves includes While You Were Sleeping (Sandra Bullock tending to another Comma victim).
2. More simple typo comedies. We learn that Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai is worth watching because Jimmy Shergill looks "great without that HUNKY BODY." The Body was apparently getting in the way of user appreciation.
3. He also calls Tulip (as in the flower?) Joshi the heroine "too weird and not impressive enough". The juxtaposition of the two adjectives creates new layers of meaning. Too weird, therefore not impressive? Overdone weirdness? You've got to learn where to stop with the weirdness, a little goes a long way, etc.
4. The story "about a guy and gal, "who were together like two persons in one skins". Sounds like this movie is a ripoff of Hannibal- I've heard of two souls in one body, cramped as that must be, but two persons in one skin? Whose skin? The skin of a very large person, obviously. That's where the Hannibal resemblance came in.
5. Horror seems to bring out the best in Rochak. He describes some horror films as "blood-cuddling" (my fav phrase). Some are "normal scary films with blood and slimy creatures", and others range from "hounted houses, to futuristic, to psycological". Signs - about a Father (Priest) who, after his wife's death, has to take care of "two kids, an unemployed Brother, and ALIEN ENVATION!"(invasion).
Somehow, the "Dinosores" (dinosaurs) of Jurassic Park (of which movie he simply says "not to told, but to watch") don't sound so horrible, after this.
His review on the X-Files…"gives you the matter to think for at least a week after week". (That's plenty for anybody, isnt it?)
I like his argument for believing in Aliens …"HAVE YOU SEEN GOD? NO? THEN WHY DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? I tell you why? Coz you feel such thinks not SEE!"
He signs off with this advice "If you think this is all MONKEY PEE - grow up, think harder, and use your own logic".(meaning - dont use his? Good advice!)
Rochak He hates liars, flirts, and "hyprokrytes".
From his movie reviews...
1. A simple spelling error creates a lot of unintentional comedy. Tere Naam is a movie with a TWIST - Salman Khan falls into a "comma".
(I wonder how one falls into a comma? Maybe by tripping on an unexpected semi-colon)
He definitely likes the Comma movies. His Hollywood list of faves includes While You Were Sleeping (Sandra Bullock tending to another Comma victim).
2. More simple typo comedies. We learn that Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hai is worth watching because Jimmy Shergill looks "great without that HUNKY BODY." The Body was apparently getting in the way of user appreciation.
3. He also calls Tulip (as in the flower?) Joshi the heroine "too weird and not impressive enough". The juxtaposition of the two adjectives creates new layers of meaning. Too weird, therefore not impressive? Overdone weirdness? You've got to learn where to stop with the weirdness, a little goes a long way, etc.
4. The story "about a guy and gal, "who were together like two persons in one skins". Sounds like this movie is a ripoff of Hannibal- I've heard of two souls in one body, cramped as that must be, but two persons in one skin? Whose skin? The skin of a very large person, obviously. That's where the Hannibal resemblance came in.
5. Horror seems to bring out the best in Rochak. He describes some horror films as "blood-cuddling" (my fav phrase). Some are "normal scary films with blood and slimy creatures", and others range from "hounted houses, to futuristic, to psycological". Signs - about a Father (Priest) who, after his wife's death, has to take care of "two kids, an unemployed Brother, and ALIEN ENVATION!"(invasion).
Somehow, the "Dinosores" (dinosaurs) of Jurassic Park (of which movie he simply says "not to told, but to watch") don't sound so horrible, after this.
His review on the X-Files…"gives you the matter to think for at least a week after week". (That's plenty for anybody, isnt it?)
I like his argument for believing in Aliens …"HAVE YOU SEEN GOD? NO? THEN WHY DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? I tell you why? Coz you feel such thinks not SEE!"
He signs off with this advice "If you think this is all MONKEY PEE - grow up, think harder, and use your own logic".(meaning - dont use his? Good advice!)
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Desperately Seeking...
Yesterday, I was watching the movie Desperately Seeking Susan - second time. Its a1985 movie about a bored straight-laced housewife who becomes fascinated with Susan, a mystery woman who regularly appears in the personal ads and leads what seems like life on the edge, and starts to follow her trail.
Have you ever been more fascinated by the title than the movie? This was one such. The title holds out so much promise that the movie failed to deliver.
The spell of fascination that exists for some people we've never met or know slightly. Leaving aside whether we ever really know anyone well enough, ever, some people definitely have more of that enduring puzzle-like quality, than others.
Some titles are almost like magic incantations in the effects they create. I don't know who's job it is to come up with these - the writer, the producer, the director or some lackey, but they deserve on-screen credits for them.
Have you ever been more fascinated by the title than the movie? This was one such. The title holds out so much promise that the movie failed to deliver.
The spell of fascination that exists for some people we've never met or know slightly. Leaving aside whether we ever really know anyone well enough, ever, some people definitely have more of that enduring puzzle-like quality, than others.
Some titles are almost like magic incantations in the effects they create. I don't know who's job it is to come up with these - the writer, the producer, the director or some lackey, but they deserve on-screen credits for them.
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