Short Story - Intellectual Ransom (Mukund Moorthy)

Short Story - Intellectual Ransom (Mukund Moorthy)

I have a few suggestions about writing technique

a) Entire story narrated in third person can get monotonous sometimes. He said this, he did that, he went there, he got that, etc. Add commentary, monologue, dialogue, first and second person viewpoints to break up the monotony. Also details help to make facts come alive. You mention IIT in his background, adding an interesting detail about his days there would make it more readable.

b) Start with an interesting dialogue, or statement. If the few opening lines dont have any punch, the reader will not continue to read until he reaches the twist in the end.

c) Edit out all unnecessary background detail. You have to pick which details are necessary to the plot - for eg. John King is mentioned in 1st para, but does not appear in the story again. Unnecessary characters or details distract the reader, weaken the pace.

d) Keep each para focused on one topic. Split up paras that have multiple focus. Raj's work background, and his relationship with his father should be in separate paras. It make reading easier, by organizing thought flow.

e) Introducing a character in a story is like meeting a stranger at a party. You don't start by asking for his life history, you make small talk about common topics first. The reader really does not want to know the entire life history of a character in the first para, before the character has said or done something interesting, to make the reader become interested in him. James Bond movies start with Bond chasing/escaping from villains first, even before opening titles, so that we're interested in what happens to Bond after that.

f) Overall, the story had no feeling. It needs more human interest details - little things that make a person become more real to us, habits, thoughts, feelings towards others. Having interaction between characters helps. Other than Raj and his father, there is no other character here. A great plus would be to have their relationship recorded in more detail, and not in third person.

g) You have written a story with a twist at the end. But in order to reach the ending, the middle part has to keep the reader going - you may need to add more actions for that.


About the story...
To be honest, I didnt like the solution Raj comes up with. His logic is misguided.
He says he wants India to take concrete steps against terrorism, so I expected him to come up with some plan for India to help themselves. But no, all he wants to do is get US aid. This kind of thinking that we can do nothing without the West's help is out of touch with today's India, and its potential. Besides, money never solved any problem. Even the US with all its resources has not caught up with Bin Laden. I understand his father's dream, he defended his country's borders. But his son does the opposite.
Al Qaeda threatens using bombs and other physical attacks, Raj threatens using a virus. Both are terrorists, not patriots, using threats and terror to get what they want.
Terrorists begin at first with higher causes like patriotism, but eventually their use of terrorism defeats their own cause. If Raj can do it, so can any software maker. We have to remember - what we do to others, tomorrow others can do to us.

But that is just my reaction to that character, I'm sure there are people who like to think this way. I can relate to it in my own way, as a story of how people become terrorists, without meaning to.